Navigating Lactation After Loss: A Compassionate Guide for Grieving Mothers

Genesis Scott
Jan 7
6 min read

Bringing life into the world is a powerful and emotional experience—one filled with anticipation, love, and hope. But when a baby dies during pregnancy, birth, or shortly after, that love doesn’t disappear. And neither does your body’s instinct to nurture. For mothers facing the devastating loss of their baby, lactation after loss can be an especially painful and confusing experience. Your body continues to produce milk, even though your arms are empty.

If you are reading this, please know from the very beginning: you are not alone. This blog is for you—the mother who carried life, who prepared her heart and home, and who is now navigating grief no one should ever have to face. It’s okay to feel everything at once: anger, sadness, confusion, longing, love. Your milk, your body, your experience—they are all real, valid, and deserving of support.

This guide will gently walk you through what to expect with lactation after loss, what options are available to you, and how to care for your physical and emotional well-being during this time.

Understanding Why Milk Comes In After Loss

After giving birth, your body begins producing breast milk as a natural part of the postpartum process. Hormonal changes—particularly the drop in progesterone and the release of prolactin—signal the body to start making milk. This happens regardless of whether your baby is born alive.

Typically, your milk comes in between 2 to 5 days postpartum. For mothers who have lost their baby, this can be especially triggering and heartbreaking. Seeing or feeling your breasts fill with milk can stir emotions that are both physical and symbolic—your body is preparing to nourish a baby who isn’t here.

Common Emotions Mothers Experience

It’s important to acknowledge the unique layers of grief that come with lactation after loss. Many mothers describe this experience as adding insult to injury, as their bodies don’t yet seem to know what the heart already does.

You may experience:

Shock or disbelief that milk is coming in at all.
Anger or betrayal toward your body for producing milk.
Guilt for not needing the milk or not wanting to pump.
Longing for what should have been—a baby at your breast.
Confusion about what to do with the milk.

These emotions are completely valid. There is no “right” way to grieve or respond to lactation. Give yourself permission to feel it all, without judgment.

Your Options: What to Do With Your Milk

Once your milk comes in, you have several options. None are right or wrong—only what feels best for you.

1. Suppressing Lactation

If you choose not to express milk and want to dry up your supply as gently and quickly as possible, this is known as lactation suppression.

How to suppress milk safely:

Wear a snug (but not tight) supportive bra.
Avoid nipple stimulation or expressing milk unless needed for comfort.
Use cold compresses or chilled cabbage leaves on your breasts.
Drink sage or peppermint tea—both may help reduce milk supply naturally.
Take over-the-counter pain relief like ibuprofen for discomfort.
Avoid binding your chest tightly, as this can cause clogged ducts or mastitis.

Note: It may take 1–2 weeks for your milk to fully stop, depending on how much milk your body is making.

2. Expressing for Comfort Only

Some mothers choose to express just enough milk to relieve discomfort and prevent painful engorgement. This can be done manually or with a pump.

It’s important not to overstimulate your breasts during this time. Only express until you feel relief, and gradually reduce the frequency over time to avoid increasing milk production.

3. Donating Milk

For some grieving mothers, donating their breast milk offers a way to honor their baby’s life and help others. Milk banks such as the Human Milk Banking Association of North America (HMBANA) accept donations from bereaved mothers and distribute the milk to medically fragile infants in NICUs.

Milk donation can be emotionally healing for some, but it is also a commitment. If this is something you’re considering:

Contact a nonprofit milk bank near you for screening and guidance.
You can begin pumping regularly and freeze milk until cleared to donate.
You are in complete control—if it becomes emotionally too difficult, you can stop at any time.

Even if you don’t donate, some parents choose to save a small amount of milk in a keepsake vial or jewelry as a tribute to their baby.

Caring for Your Body During Lactation

Whether you decide to suppress or express your milk, it’s essential to care for your physical health during this time.

Tips for comfort:

Use cold packs or cabbage leaves to reduce swelling.
Wear breast pads to absorb leaking milk.
Avoid hot showers or heat on the breasts, as this may stimulate more milk.
Gently massage your breasts if you feel lumps—this can help prevent clogged ducts.
Monitor for signs of infection (fever, redness, hot spots), and contact your provider if you suspect mastitis.

Your body has just been through a tremendous ordeal. Rest, hydrate, and be gentle with yourself.

Emotional and Mental Health Support

Lactation after loss is more than just a physical issue—it’s an emotional wound layered on top of grief. Many mothers are blindsided by the intensity of feelings this brings.

Consider the following supports:

Grief counseling: Speaking with a therapist trained in pregnancy and infant loss can help you process complex emotions.
Lactation consultants: Some IBCLCs are trained in bereavement support and can help you safely manage lactation or milk donation.
Support groups: Connecting with other mothers who have experienced similar losses can offer comfort. Look for groups like Share, First Candle, Empty Cradle, or The Compassionate Friends.
Online communities: Sometimes connecting virtually feels easier. There are online forums and Facebook groups specifically for bereaved mothers.

Partners, Friends, and Family: How They Can Help

Grief is a deeply personal journey, but you shouldn’t have to walk it alone. Loved ones can offer support in specific ways during this time.

How others can help:

Respect your choices around milk—whether you decide to suppress, express, or donate.
Help with comfort care, such as getting breast pads, teas, or supportive bras.
Listen without trying to fix your pain. Sometimes silent presence is the greatest gift.
Remember your baby with you. Saying their name, acknowledging milestones, and honoring your grief is healing.

If you are close to someone who has lost a baby, don't underestimate the power of small, thoughtful gestures. Validate their grief, recognize their postpartum body changes, and never assume they’re “over it” just because time has passed.

Honoring Your Baby and Your Milk

For many mothers, lactation feels like the last physical connection to their baby. Choosing how to honor that bond is deeply personal.

Some ideas for remembrance:

Write a letter to your baby, acknowledging your milk and your love.
Create a milk keepsake, such as jewelry or artwork made from your milk.
Plant a tree or flowers as a living tribute to your baby's memory.
Hold a naming or farewell ceremony, if it feels right for you.
Donate in their name to a milk bank or grief support organization.

Your baby mattered. Your milk matters. And your experience as a mother is real and enduring.

Final Thoughts: You Are Still a Mother

The loss of a child does not erase your motherhood. Your body responded to pregnancy, to birth, to love. Lactation after loss is not just a medical event—it’s a symbol of your deep connection to your baby.

Whether you suppress your milk, save a few drops in a keepsake, or donate gallons to NICU babies in need—your path is valid. Grief is never linear. Be patient with yourself. Be kind to your body. And hold space for every emotion as it arises.

Above all, know this: you are not alone. There is a community of mothers who walk this path beside you. You are seen. You are supported. You are forever a mother.

Resources for Further Support:

If you would like personalized help with lactation after loss or to talk with someone who understands both breastfeeding and grief, don’t hesitate to reach out to a bereavement-informed lactation consultant. You deserve support, respect, and tenderness every step of the way.

🕊️ Your milk is love. Your grief is love. Your baby will always be part of you. 🕊️